Ohhh the New Year...

Every year it seems as though I am not ready yet to let go of it. 2010 was a very eventful year for me and my family. We lost one of the best people, Popee on January 21rst 2010, it was such a shock, and I dont think anyone has fully moved on.

We did have a lot of positives this year though that we are very thankful for.

Caitlin had a rough beginning of 2010 in kindergarten, but started karate in June. That has been such a positive thing for her and her self confidence. The end of 2010 has been absolutely awesome for her. Shes gaining weight, doing GREAT in school, reads above grade average, and can actually play outside with being able to control her emotions and her actions, and has learned to follow rues that even my husband doesnt follow (putting shoes in the shoe basket etc...) lol. We are so proud of her and her accomplishments and cannot wait to see what growth she makes in 2011!

As for Stephen and I, nothing worth noting has really happened, we spent most of the year surrounded by family and love, as the Palmers came for many vacations, we got to see Haley play on the SDSU womens soccer team, able to watch my little brothers soccer game, and got to see Stephens mom and step dad and sister more than we have in past years!

Christmas this year was loads of fun but 2 things kept me from fully being in it. The first was that my Little Grandma wasnt there. She lived with us when I was a child and not seeing her for almost a year is killing me. The second is obviously Popee wasnt there to grace us with his loud and boisterous laugh. I remember last year my dad and I trying out slippers that had head lights on them so he wouldnt trip down the hallways, he was so excited that he got them too. When I was home, seeing the leaves on the ground reminded me of his "job" of raking the leaves up so Frank wouldnt have to. Its the little things I miss, but I know eventually I will have to come to the realization hes not coming back.

I am hoping in the New Year I can find closure on a lot of things and for a lot of my feelings and be able to look forward to my life rather than stand in the shadows of the past.

I hope each and everyone of you have a great 2011!

Thankful

This year, Thanksgiving is going to have more meaning to me than any Thanksgiving that I have ever had. I have had an eye opening year this year starting out with Popee passing. January 21 will be a year, and I cant believe it has almost been a year, it still hurts everyday, no matter what I do. I have a problem on holding on to things longer than most. My grandparent are still in the forefront of mind even 9 years after they have passed. Its very hard for me to let go of such great people, I think its easier to lie to myself and say they are on vacation or I just missed them when visiting home, because if I actually believe it I will break down.

But this year was surprising for me despite that. The most important thing I have learned was to be thankful for family. Family has always been everything to me, but even more so now. There were some strained relationships within the family that were resolved and I met family I never knew I had. I know that next year my husband wont be here for Thanksgiving, which makes this even more special this year. One of my good friends has given me a very real perspective on life this year and she doesn't even know that she did. She has been through one of of the worst things imaginable, and her strength inspires me everyday. I am just grateful to have such wonderful and supportive family and friends in my life, I really am.

I have learned a lot about myself and who I want to be in this life. I know that life doesnt last forever as much as I want it to, and that I need to make the best of everything. I have seen my family so much more this year, and honestly I love it. I love my family, they are some of the best people ever. I am always afraid that I wont spend enough time with my family and I just hope they know how much I love them, and how much they mean to me.

I am thankful for the opportunity to have my daughter's life changed forever with the feeding program we are going through. I am thankful that she is independent, strong, feisty, caring, loving and a firecracker.

I am thankful for my husband. If you would have asked me in high school if I would have been married to Stephen Hamann, I would have laughed in your face. But he is one of the most caring people ever, although he is stone faced. I got lucky with him, and I got lucky that he is such a great dad to our daughter. 10 years together and I am grateful we made it through some hard times, just to come out stronger. I think sometimes people give up too easily, but we made it.

I am thankful for my mom, who is behind me and supports me no matter what I want to do. She has always let me be me, loved me unconditionally, and been proud of who I am, even if I dont have a degree from college yet. According to my mom, I have always traveled my own road and I am thankful they let me do that and let me explore my own life the way I wanted too.

I will be eternally thankful for my dad. I cant even talk about thankful I am to him without crying. He took us out of a situation that was bad and brought so much joy to my moms life, and to mine and my brothers life. He loved us from the moment my mom brought us into his life, and he was only 22 when that happened. He taught me a lit of valuable lessons in life, especially being an honest person, being strong, and pursuing anything that I want to do, and do it with hard work.

I am thankful for my brothers and sister. We have so many different personalities between all of us kids that its just a blast when we are all together. We all keep each other young and push each other to excel.

I am thankful for our friends that we have known for a long time and those that we just met. Every person we know has a permanent stamp in our hearts, and makes us better people.

I just hope that this Thanksgiving people can look past the turkey, potatoes, and such to really enjoy the family and/or friends around them, and to take the time to tell them you are thankful they are in your life, because they may not know, and life is too short.

Happy Early Thanksgiving Everyone.

Just Say No To Drugs.

I find lately that I am starting to get really tired of having to medicate my child. I feel like she cant just be herself due to the meds she has to take. As of right now, we only have a few more days left of her Amoxicillin that was for her Strep Throat, thank goodness, one less syringe to fill in the morning and evening time.

She is on Celexa for her anxiety, Cyproheptad for appetite stimulant, Zyrtec for allergies and her inhaler.

The problem is I feel like we are screwing with her brain. I am not entirely sure that the Celexa is actually working. It is actually an antidepressant, but used to treat anxiety, but I personally dont think she needs it. Bear with me as I explain, I tend to jump around a bit.

I think that the problem last year (when she started Celexa), was that her Kinder teacher was just way too nurturing and Caitlin took that as weakness and proceeded to turn the teachers world upside down. This year her teacher is a no BS teacher and there is a line that is not to be crossed. She started Celexa in November of last year, and throughout the rest of the year in Kinder she had the same destructive behavior. Now she is in first grade. From the first day she was at school there were no issues. She stayed the entire almost 8 hours without fault and without any of the behavior that she had last year with kinder.

Now I believe the difference is in the teacher. I do not believe that in 2 1/2 short summer months that the Celexa magically kicked in and "made" her be good. Her teacher is very strict, but a little nurturing as well.

I have now talked to 3 doctors who believe that the reason she has any anxiety is due to her sensory issues. Their take on it? Fix the sensory issues, then that fixes the anxiety issues. I am compelled to agree. I havent seen anything in the medication to convince me that is the reason she is calm and enjoying school. So this summer I believe we are going to do a trial with her not on it and see what happens. We dont want to do it during the school year as you have to come off of it over a longer period of time, you cant just stop taking it.

Now to the appetite stimulant. I was totally on board with that until I read about the side affects. I am aware ever drug has side affects. But when I found out the appetite stimulant is actually normally used as a antihistamine and I was to give it to her at night, it made me feel like I was drugging my kid to go to sleep. I know that this will help her, I think I just need to get around what it is normally used for and just keep thinking its going to help he be free from her tube.

I think what it comes down to, is that I just want to see Caitlin be a "normal" kid. I really and truly have so much hope and faith in this feeding program to help Caitlin achieve that, but I am just so frustrated right now with the fact that I feel like I am pumping things into her that maybe I shouldnt be.

Ok rant over. Sometimes I just need to write it down to not feel so lost.

Time for Change...

Time for Change. Seems to be the name of the game lately.

We went to CHOC today for a feeding team evaluation and it went great. There are going to be a lot of changes in the family as well as with Caitlin and her feedings, but it is going to take some time to change things from the way they are now.

For the past 5 years we have been told to feed Caitlin whatever she will eat, whenever she wants to eat it, wherever she wants to eat it, because when shes distracted by TV, she would eat more, and in turn eat more calories. I got to feel like a bad parent today when I told the feeding team this. They didn't judge us, we were just doing what we were told by the other doctors, but now the feeding team feels that we should do just the opposite.

They would like us to give her an appetite stimulant every night so that every morning she will wake up hungry, and would possibly eat breakfast, for the first time in a while. That would be a miracle.

They would also like us to not let her "graze" during the daytime, but instead have 3 set meals and meal times and 2 snacks in between, and not let her have anything in between. Give her 30 minutes to eat what we are eating and if she doesn't take it away and do not let her eat anything else. THAT right there is going to kill me. Knowing that if she doesn't eat, that shes not eating for the rest of the night and will be hungry is just hurting my stomach just thinking about it. But I know CHOC knows what they are doing and its for the best. Its just going to be rough.

We are also going to be switching Caitlin from regular juice boxes to special ones with vitamins, and such with 250 calories per box. That will help out a lot with her calorie intake. We will also be switching her formula so that she gets less amount of fluid, but the same amount of calories, which in turn will help have a shorter pump time, so she wont get up and shut off her pump and lose calories.

She will be admitted in February for the 3 week inpatient therapy, and then follow up feeding therapy. For now until then she will do feeding therapy at Rady's until she gets admitted so that they have a more cooperative Caitlin :)

Hopefully I have enough strength to do this :)

Missing

This morning was a bit of a rough morning. My brother sent me a song the other day called "Sun again will shine" by Slackstring, but it brought up a lot of emotion. I am in a pretty good place right now in my life. Great husband and marriage, smart and funny little girl, and hopefully school as soon as the VA gives me the letter, but I am missing my grandparents and my Popee.

My grandparents were great people, who died within about a month or two of each other. I was 17, and thought that I would have forever with them. I lived with them for a little while because I was a horrible person to my parents, and it just worked better that way. My grandpa was my grandmas soul mate, they met when they were young, married and lived such a great life together.

When they died, it was a shock. I stayed away from my family as much as I could, to try and not feel the pain of their deaths. I stopped eating, and was just completely in denial that anything had happened, because I didnt want to believe it. One night before my grandma died, I went to the hospital to see her and say goodbye. It was horrible. I didnt want to say goodbye, but I knew it was going to happen. To see my mom go through all that made me realize how lucky I was to have her.

I miss them terribly. It has been almost 10 years, and I still cant get over it. I cry weekly because I miss them so much. They were the most loving and non judgmental people ever. I miss going to my grandmas house when my grandpa was on business trips, I miss watching JAG with them while eating ice cream. I even miss their tonic drinks. Every time I smell the aloe vera lotion from the nail salon, it reminds me of them.

Popee. He was probably the funniest man I have ever met. He took my brother and I in as his own grandchildren with no questions asked when we were young. My best and favorite memories of him were when Stephen was on deployment and we would sit there at the kitchen table while he was drinking a beer at 9am, talking about his Army days, and about Stephens "troop movement". When I hadnt heard from Stephen in a couple of weeks and was getting worried, Popee would spend as much time with me as I needed to help me calm down and explain what happens when he cant call. I miss taking him to the bus stop and hearing about how his VA appointments went, I miss the weekly letters we would get from him, and I miss watching him put out the garbage cans every monday night at my moms house because according to him "that is my job". I miss sitting at the front door of my parents house and watching him walk down the street from the bus stop, because we all knew that Popee wasnt taking rides from anyone.

Above all, I am horrified and saddened over the fact that Caitlin will never grow up with them. She never met my grandma and grandpa, and she only got a limited time with Popee. I am honored that she got to spend 5 years with Popee. I just wish that I could turn back time and just make it happen. All I can do is keep their memory alive for her and to tell her how great they were. In the meantime, she has some of the best grandparents in the world. Stephens mom and step dad love her like she was their own child, Stephens dad and step mom hopefully will be in the picture soon, and my parents remind me of my grandma and grandpa. Because of that, I know she will be loved by them and she will feel the way I did about my grandparents and Popee.

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Exciting

Its been a rough couple of days and I find that what keeps me most excited is school. I know, weird. In high school I was horrible, I hated it, and the only reason I didn't drop out was playing basketball.

One of my biggest drive for doing this is to walk across the stage. It sounds stupid, but I didn't get to do that in high school. I was young and dumb and didn't think about the consequences that not going to school was going to have on my future. I ended up not graduating with my class, and finishing up at an adult school (even though my diploma says its from my high school). My other biggest drive is that my mom did it at 40. She didn't want to live her life in a boring job that she wasn't happy with and at 40 went back to school and got her nursing degree. I was so proud of her, when she walked across that stage. That is what drove me to start going back to school in 29 Palms 2 years ago.

But now that I am all old and stuff ;) I realize that I want to learn, I need to learn, and I am excited about the dreadful 5 week classes that are about to happen. I want to be able to show my daughter that if you set your mind to it, you can do anything you want, no matter how young or old you are. I want to sit down and do my homework while shes doing hers, and have her relate to me a little more. I also want her to see how hard work pays off in the end.

This is going to be a rough 3 years, with a deployment in between that time, possibly 2, but I know I can do it. I have always had such low self esteem about school, or anything that had to do with me, but I am really just ready to do this. Nothing is going to stop me from FINALLY getting my degree that I have wanted for so long.

I'll be 29 when I get my bachelors, but that is okay with me. I have such an amazing support system, my family, Stephens family, but mostly Stephen. I am surprised, honestly that he would sign over his GI bill to me to be able to go to school and fulfill my dreams. That really means a lot. I know that failure is not an option, he is giving up a free college education that he has worked 9 years so far for, and I refuse to let him down.

All I have to keep thinking when the road gets tough is,

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty"

-Winston Churchill

Thats going to be my motto.

Shes not a little kid anymore...

Today was Caitlin's meeting with her STT team at her new school out in town. Her old school on base is being rebuilt this year (thank god!), so they made a temp school for the time being. I am fine with her being out in town, but I have this nagging anxiety that just wont go away.

The meeting with her teacher and staff went GREAT! There seems to be a lot more resources available this year than there was last year. Also we found out Caitlin's kinder teacher from last year was reinstated and is still working there, as she was at the meeting as well to help Caitlin's new teacher Mrs Woodard, know about Caitlin and her er, well, um, ways lol. Apparently Mrs Woodard is great friends with Mrs Fairchild so it was an extremely productive meeting, and Caitlin was ECSTATIC to see her.

I started off telling the teacher about Caitlin being admitted for the CHOC feeding program, and how she will be gone for 3 weeks. The teacher was very supportive and told me she will put together a packet for 3 weeks worth of homework that they will do in class. Then came the ever so frustrating task of seeing if the had counselors available to Caitlin, as well as speech again this year. Lucky for me her old speech teacher is still going to work with her, and now they are available for Caitlin to get regular counseling for her issues during school, instead of me having to drive around the county for a speech pathologist and counselor. That was exciting for me enough, when Mrs Fairchild brought up the point of having an aide in the classroom for Caitlin if she needs it, and I assumed they would say they didnt have enough staff and blah blah blah, but they said if she needed it she would get it! Also they are going to have either a 4th or 5th grader escort Caitlin on and off the bus so she will hopefully not get lost.

I'm still a littler nervous about her on the bus, not because she is on a bus, but because it is an unfamiliar place with new people, and I am so afraid shes going to get lost or get off at the wrong stop. But I guess this is where mommy needs to cut the umbilical cord.

I have always stayed home with her, and loved watching her learn, but I guess this is where I have to say goodbye to all the quality time we have spent together for the last 6 years. Time for her to be a little more independent, and I hate it lol.

Family Members.

I have been thinking the past couple of days about my family, and how much closer we have gotten over the years even though most of us are moved away. I am really blessed to have a family like mine, who supports every single decision I make, even if they don't agree. I like to believe that every family member has attributed to my personality and I have learned things from each of them.

The first person I think of is my mom. She is one of the sweetest, most compassionate people I have ever met. She puts others before herself and always is there when I need her. I have learned a lot about compassion and giving myself for others through her.

My dad is one of the most driven people ever. He has worked all his life, put himself through college, took in 2 kids that weren't even his, and made a home for our family. His drive has made an immense impact with me, and when I think of what I want to be when I "grow up", I hope I have the drive to work for what I want, and I can handle life like he has.

My older brother Casey, is kind of one of a kind. He is a very driven person too, which I believe he also got from our dad. But the thing I get from him is humor. He finds humor in everything in life. Even from a young age, he would ALWAYS find a way to make the family laugh. When we would get in trouble with my mom, I would count on Casey and his humor to get us in less trouble.

Now for Haley. Haley, Haley, Haley. She is also one of a kind. We often joke how we acquired a Paris Hilton into our family lol. Haley has taught me how to stay young. It sounds funny seeing as she is younger than me, but she knows how to not take herself to seriously in life, but at the same time, knows how to get things done.

Frankie Jr. He is always going to be my baby brother. Me and him are most alike in the ways that we are. He is always there to help people. I think he inherited that gift of compassion as well from my mom. He also is very inspirational in the way that he lets things roll off his back. I don't know if they bother him, but when something happens, he is so go-with-the-flow. I admire that he can do that. I still have trouble sometimes.

Nobu. I get he isn't my brother, he is my cousin, but he lived with us pretty much our whole life, and I classify him as my brother. I get sensitivity from him. He has been through a lot in life, and he is a very sensitive person. He is a gentle giant one might say. He was always a very calming effect in the house growing up, and kind of a referee between my brother and I. I don't get to see him much anymore, but hopefully soon.

I know this is a totally random blog, but I really have been thinking about this a lot lately, because I know you learn from your surroundings, and I think my family has done pretty well :)

Alone In A World Full Of People

For the past few days, I have been thinking about my daughter Caitlin. About all the things shes been through in the past 6 years. Whenever I think about it, I think to myself, "This isnt fair to her, why her out of all people." But now I know why.

When I was younger I had a father who for a lack of a better word was a piece of crap. He treated us like crap, and made every available effort to tell me I would never amount to anything, among worse things. It wasn't until I was about 20 that I found him, called him and told him everything I wanted to say, and started counseling. While going to my therapist it made me realize a few things that I didn't know, and could comprehend when I was younger. I finally realized that the reason it had happened to me was because I was strong enough to take it. That may sound odd, but I now have the attitude of what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

Now back to my beautiful daughter. She has done probably close to 100 blood tests, liver biopsy, MRI's, CAT scans, barium swallow, 2 g-tube surgeries, ng tube, 6 months of being a guinea pig for growth hormone (shots every night for 6 months), among countless other tests for every condition/disease/syndrome you could possibly imagine. For the first 4 years of her life we had no answers for her as to why we were doing the things to her that we were. On July 28th 2008, 3 days before her 4th birthday, we got our answer. Russell Silver Syndrome MATUPD7.

I remember that phone call because that geneticist acted like I was nuts for crying and telling her thank you every 5 seconds. I couldn't believe that we had found it. It was very rare, but we had cracked the code. I sat with my baby girl and just cried and cried because I was so happy she would hopefully never remember the torture that she went through for the 4 years before that.

We thought it was over, we thought it was done and continued with the g-tube surgeries that we knew would help her. Now fast forward to this year.

Beginning of kindergarten came around and Caitlin was so ecstatic to go to school! I was excited for her as this was her independence from everything, where she could just go to school and learn. On the 3rd day of kinder, the teacher asked me if Caitlin had an anger problem and asked me to put her in counseling. At the time I was really angry with the teacher for even saying that to me. But I now know I was angry that it was happening again. I was rendered helpless again and there wasn't anything right then and there that I could help her with. I'm not going to lie, its the worst feeling you feel as a parent, to not be able to provide support or help for your child.

She was eventually diagnosed with high spectrum autism and put on meds. I don't believe that it is HSA because it is really really rare for kids to have two genetic disorders. But I took it in stride. The meds started helping her anxiety and she continued in school, and did very well with the academics, not so much with the socialization.

Then a few months ago we were at her GI appointment to talk about her feedings because she was losing weight and she wasn't tolerating her feeds. The doctor then asked about her liver. I had no answer for him because being a military family we have seen so many doctors and have been shuffled around so much that no one ever followed up with her liver. I told him that they had told me she had a fatty liver, whatever that meant. He decided that a liver biopsy was in order, but first wanted to do an ultrasound after he started to suspect NASH. He wants to do the ultrasound to see how much liver damage there is so we can act accordingly.

Well tomorrow is the ultrasound. I'm scared. I'll admit it. On one hand I don't think that after 6 years there could be a lot of liver damage, but at the same time, with everything that has gone on with her I cant put it out of my mind. I am glad that she doesn't know that I am scared...scared for her, scared for me, scared for the situation that could arise. I am just glad she still has her innocence, even though she has been through so much.

I kind of went on a tangent there, but I guess the whole point of it, was to say, that she is one of the strongest, feisty, and loveable kids I have ever met, despite everything that she has gone though. She already has the attitude that I found when I was younger, of what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

I just hope that when shes older she knows that all those times I had to hold her down to draw blood, or when she was 8 months old, forcing her to drink barium swallow while strapped to a board, or when Stephen had to put an ng tube down her nose only 2 weeks after coming home from Iraq, that she knows we did it because we love her.

I know this was long, but I guess thats why its called a blog, because your mind goes in 50 different directions when writing...

Life Changes Without Warning.

Its inevitable. Change is going to happen even if I dont want it too.

Over the last few days there have been a lot of changes in my life. My husband was screwed into PCAing to a different unit after only 10 months of being in his current unit. Now he is going to be leaving again in about 6 months, for the 4th time, except this time my daughter will be fully aware he is gone. I know millions of families go through this, and for me, I am not upset, we've done this 3 times, I'm fine. But Caitlin, I never thought would have to deal with this again. I never knew how much something like this could affect her, her life and progress with her anxiety. Its hard with her because she acts like Stephen is her worst enemy sometimes, but she loves him so much. The littlest things bother her and I hope we will be able to get through all of this in one piece.

I guess I never really knew what deployments did to kids, and how much they are affected by the coming and going of their mommy's and daddy's. Caitlin was 3 1/2 when Stephen came home last time, and that was hard for her at that age. I dont want her to be scared, or to wonder why daddy isnt home. It breaks my heart. But as I said, life changes.

Theres a lot more going on this next time as well, for Caitlin: Sensory therapy, school (1rst grade), liver biopsy, after school activities and of course doctor appointments that never end. For me just one big one. School. I have to do it. Its going to be rough because I had assumed that my husband would be home. I think my big thing is going to be trying to find a balance between over exerting my self and keeping my sanity. I'm a little rusty at this deployment thing :)

Hopefully I dont go insane. Luckily I know I will have my friends here to keep me sane with Starbucks dates, Army wive/ House dates, and going up north to see Caitlins grandparents and of course I will have Jasmine.

I know I whine about my dog, but she can tell I am dreading whats coming. I dont know if hes going to a war zone or what, so of course I am concerned about him. But Jasmine has this uncanny way of knowing when I need some snuggles, or some comfort. I am so glad we got her. She just kind of calms me and lets me know its going to be okay. Shes also Caitlin's best friend and I know that will play a crucial role in this upcoming deployment.

We'll get through this.

Rhythm is life, and life is rhythm.

I know, I know another blogger. But I find for me, its a sort of outlet for my completely random thoughts that I think as I am driving to Starbucks, the store, the hospital, or wherever. I have always been a type of "blogger" but it was confined to my little flowered diary with the heart shaped lock on it.

I notice in every page of my diary, there is always a reference to music. Music rules my life. I hear Blues Travelers, and it can take me back to when I was a freshman in high school, getting ready to go to the private school, I "thought" I wanted to go to. Or I can hear something along the lines of Tupac and it will take me back to when my older brother and I were going through a difficult time and would record Tupac off of the radio on our tape player just so that we could listen to it over and over again and escape reality.

I used to not understand what people meant when they said, " This song helped me through a rough time". It wasn't until my grandparents passed away that I really understood what that meant. I tried to stay away the whole time they were sick because I didn't want to have to deal with the reality that I knew was certain. They were big country fans and at the time I went through a phase where country was all I listened to. "Laredo" By Chris Cagle was my favorite. Every time I listened to that song, I thought about sitting in my room at my grandparents house, blasting it, and having my grandma walk in and try and dance with me. It is what I listened to the day I went to prom with my now husband, while my grandma did my hair. She said, " It is every grandmas dream to do her granddaughters hair for prom." I will never forget that day.

It's amazing to me that these songs can bring so much emotion to me but at the same time put me back where I was when I heard the song. I would like to think I have a soundtrack to my life, and ever since I was younger, in my diary, I would have my songs that I would listen to. Recently while cleaning out the garage, I found my little flowered diary with the heart shaped lock. I went and downloaded every song that was in my diary and took a journey in my head full of tears, happiness, and memories, and I now know that anytime I miss a friend, or want to go back to the last dance of prom with Stephen, or the day my daughter was born, I can. By just listening to the music.