We all thought she was going to pull through though, when she came home from that stupid god awful nursing home, she was so happy and strong. She was playing cards, asking for pancakes and mashed potatoes, ginger ale, water, and magic milkshake, which just so happened to be what Caitlin used to take through her tube. She kept telling me, "I'm so happy", everyday. Her life was her family; her kids, her grand kids and her great grand kids. She was surrounded by so much love every single day, and so much more in the last week of her life, that I almost feel like she was truly at peace. I dont think any of us said "I love you" more than that last week, although we knew but still had hope that she would rally. She did for those 2 days, and I remember looking at my dad and we were both in shock at how great she was doing, and we all had smiles on our faces. But I think I should have listened to my mom at that time when she said that it was great she was feeling stronger, but that there's a lot of ups and downs, and she wasn't out of the woods just yet. I think my hope got the best of me. I wanted her to be okay so badly; for me, for my family, for my daughter, and for her to stay alive to keep enjoying her family.
This last week was exhausting, physically and emotionally for all of us, and I feel like we worked so hard to be around her, make sure she was comfortable, and okay, and making sure she had everything she needed to get better, and I feel like we all got gypped. Not because of the work we did, but because we did everything right and we still lost her. I just dont understand.
The night she passed was a surprise to me and I think the rest of my siblings as well. We were in the pool taking a break, and planned on driving down there after we were done, when we got the call from my dad that we needed to get down there right away. I dont think I have ever moved that fast in my life. The car was quiet the whole way down, and I think we were all thinking the same thing, but continued to have a little hope because she had been doing so well. We got there and were told the situation, and we all got ready to spend the night at my aunts house where Little Grandma was, because none of us wanted her to be alone. My Grandma actually asked to have all the kids there, so it was a little weird of her to ask that, but of course we were there. We got to spend some time with her, tell her we loved her over and over again while holding her hand and brushing her hair back with our hands. Then after we all had time to talk with her, she went to sleep, and she never really woke up. It was like she knew, and she was happy, and she had everyone she loved around her and she was okay with that.
There is something about being with a person as they take their last breath and it is an intense experience. Its horrible, sad, angering, and I couldnt understand how one second earlier she looked like my little grandma and the next moment she didnt. I dont believe in god, but at that moment it was like her soul went out of her body, and just went somewhere. I know that sounds confusing, but I cant describe it. But also at that moment, I knew she wasnt in pain anymore, and we know she'd been in pain all of her life, so it was also comforting to know that she was around all of us, and she wanted us there when she went almost to show us that she was truly happy now.
On Fathers Day, my Little Grandma came over to my parents house, and she was so happy. She got to watch her newest and favorite great grand kid, "Small" Steve, swim in the pool with his great uncle, and watch all the grand kids having a blast. She got to see smiling faces, feel the sunshine, be with family, and even nap poolside in her wheelchair. That is going to be a great memory for our family to remember.
I feel like I just went to a funeral when Popee died, and now I have lost my Little Grandma, my last grandparent. I am tired of losing loved ones year after year, and I know, its life, but I just feel like in the last 10 years there has been deaths every single year, and it just weighs on you after a while. Especially if you haven't dealt with one before another one happens.
I am very lucky to have the dad and aunt that I do, because they want all of us kids to help plan the service and be involved with everything that is going on, and I think in a way it will help with the closure. I keep thinking that is bringing our family closer together, I just wish it didnt have to happen this way.
I apologize if me writing about this in such detail offends any of my family members, that is not my intent, it helps me grieve by writing things out and sorting out my feelings.
All I can say is cherish your families; your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, nephews and nieces mothers and fathers, sisters and brother and so on. You never know when "that day" is going to come, and I dont know about you, but I will waste no time telling them all how much I love them, and enjoy every possible second with them.
